With Prom right around the corner, a lot of Juniors have been asking me, “Tobias what do we do for prom?” “Tobias, how do I get to be so cool like you?” “Tobias, what’s proper etiquette?” Worry not, my fans, because I have the answers to the first and last questions. Sorry, no one can be cool like me.
Prom falls on the night of May 3, right here in the school’s cafeteria. There are three main areas to Prom itself, which are the dance floor, the dining area and the food and whatnot area. The dance floor is to the right of the kitchen, by the ketchup dispensers. The DJ will have his gear there so don’t trip on his wires. The dining area is in the middle of the room. It’s just a bunch of tables. If you can’t visualize that, I’m sorry for you. The food and whatnot area is closest to the windows. That’s where they have the good stuff: chocolate-covered strawberries, cake balls and more. Last year, there was also mini golf and a guy who spun a camera around you and claimed to send you the video. I still haven’t gotten mine.
Now, Prom etiquette is very serious. If you don’t behave just right, you won’t have a memorable prom. Here’s the Rulebook of The Perfect Prom.
Rule 1: Be the Group Leader. You need to be in charge. YOU. But how do you take control? This is the hard part. In a group of teenagers, most people don’t know how to make plans. They change stuff at the last minute, many have different tastes in food, and some are just stubborn. Cement yourself as the group leader. If someone else tries to make plans, sabotage them. Did they try to make reservations at Bianchi’s instead of Hank’s Farm? Get a job at Bianchi’s and spread rumors that they dine and dash. Bianchi’s won’t let them reserve, and now everyone has to go to Hank’s Farm like you planned all along.
Rule 2: Going Down the Runway. It’s hard to admit, but you don’t have a driver’s license, neither does your date or anyone in your group. How do you get to dinner, then Prom? Hire a limo? NO! They are expensive, and they look like you’re compensating. Just run. You might have to leave for dinner around 2, but you won’t have to rent a limo. If you are wearing heels, good luck, plan better next time. You might make it to the Prom Walk too. It’ll be a nice change of pace. “Where is the prom walk?” junior Robert Murphy asked. The Prom Walk is held in the auditorium for the public to see everyone’s dresses.
Rule 3: Safe Driving. Or maybe you do have a driver’s license. Maybe you can drive the whole group. One teensy problem: there are a bunch of cops doing patrols on Prom night. They know to look for teenagers under the influence. Obviously, don’t be under the influence; people die doing that. It’s not funny. What you should do is help the cops to know that you aren’t. Go at the top speed of 2 mph the whole night. No cop can say you were driving recklessly.
Rule 4: Getting Into Prom. Did you forget to but the $30 dollar tickets for you and your date? That’s fine. There is only one entrance to Prom… being watched. Break a window to get inside. Jimmy Myers, the front desk guy, can’t watch all the cameras, so the likelihood of him seeing you is very small. Prom is important. You need to be there: ANY. MEANS. NECASSARY.
Rule 5: Eat Food. When you find the food, it’s hard not to stuff your face, which is why you should. All the good stuff runs out so quickly, so grab as much as you can and stuff your face. Use your suit of dress as a bag to carry it. Chocolate doesn’t melt onto prom outfits; everyone knows that. “Why isn’t there any savory food?” junior Mar Walker asked. Because 1: we are supposed to get dinner beforehand. 2: Who wants a burger at prom?
Rule 6: Look Cool While Dancing. Everyone wants to look cool dancing, but everyone sucks at it. What do you do? You have a lot of options. You could twerk. You could jump and pump your first. You could sway back and forth all nonchalant. You could try to dance and fail. You could do a Tik-Tok dance and, rightfully, be made fun of. No one does the Renegade anymore, Stacy. And, dear God, don’t Floss. You will be throw out. So many options, what’s the right one? I think it’s obvious: hang out by the food and don’t bother dancing.
Rule 7: Slow Dance. Uh oh. This is what everyone is afraid of: slow dancing. Honestly, it’s not hard. Guys, girls want you to do whatever they tell you to do. Girls, guys have no clue what they are doing or where to put their hands or who their date is. Help them out. Then, you just kind of sway back and forth to the rhythm of the music. If you’re lucky, the DJ will play one slow song a half an hour before Prom ends.
Rule 8: Request Your Favorite Music. “Why can’t we request music?” junior Laurel Fischer asked. Because we ask for songs like…”( ) In Paris.” No matter how much you ask, the DJ will not play it. The DJ only plays his music. If you’re lucky, he’ll play a different song you ask for and people will then beg him to skip it. Prom is vicious.
Rule 9: Ditch Your Date if Your Date’s Dating. Your date asked you to prom. Yippee! They just started dating someone else a week before prom. Uh oh. Those two will want to dance the night away while you are sitting at the table, drinking one of the sad mini bottled waters and stuffing your face with an Oreo cake ball. What do you do? Take one of the chocolate strawberries at prom and hide it in their car somewhere. It has to be impossible to find. Then, wait for it to mold and stink up their car somewhere. Oh, and ditch them. Obviously. But, if your date doesn’t have the decency to dance with the person they took, they don’t deserve to have a fresh car.
Rule 10: Have Fun. The Perfect Prom can only be achieved if you follow every rule, including this one. And honestly, no Prom will be perfect, unless you follow my rules. Then, you’ll be golden.
That concludes the Perfect Prom Rulebook. Have a great time at Prom, and don’t do anything stupid.
